I went through years where my focus was on nurturing others–my husbands and children–until I completely lost myself. I was so busy being a wife and mother that I became invisible. The person I once was faded into a blur of compromises, small acts of forgiveness, and endless flexibility. I use to believe that being a good wife or girlfriend meant being perpetually available, always forgiving, and eternally flexible. The truth I was forced to face was brutal: I was empty.
But the truth that finally shattered all pretense of an easy life, forcing a complete and irreversible reset of my priorities, was the unimaginable loss I suffered. Facing life at its absolute rawest taught me a non-negotiable lesson: life is too short, and I do not have time to play juvenile games with grown men!
The Tougher Version of Me was born in that moment–out of a conscious choice to survive the grief and to finally protect my peace as if my entire life depended on it.
I am not perfect, and I make my fair share of mistakes. I try to live by Bible standards, although it is not always easy. But this new foundation means I can no longer tolerate a pattern of abuse or disrespect. This gold standard is not just for my husband; it’s for everyone in my life. This is why my current husband is dealing with a tougher version of me than anyone before. I am more self-aware, I know what I want, and I know what I won’t accept.
My history taught me a brutal lesson: I cannot pour from an empty cup. This meant giving until I was completely depleted–emotionally, and physically. That’s why the “Tougher Version of Me” is not just about setting boundaries for others; it’s about the conscious, necessary work of setting boundaries for myself. My absolute priority is now pouring back into me. This means taking my time, protecting my peace, and prioritizing my healing journey. This new commitment will immediately be tested in the realities of my current marriage, which I’ll share in my next post.
The decision to protect your peace is easy; the daily defense of it is where the work begins. Next time, in Part 2, I share the essential truth of what happens when the Tougher Version of Me puts new boundaries into practice–and the hard-won clarity this struggle brings to my marriage with Curtis.
Marriage, Men, and Me 