When the World Fell Apart: Grief, Bars, and New Beginnings

I entered into a relationship with my boyfriend during my separation from my first husband. I had known him as far back as I could remember, as our mothers were good friends, and we had even played together with his other siblings. I guess you could say he had a little child crush on me. But he was six years younger than me.

One night, I was at a bar with my aunt. As I sat sipping my Absolut and Cranberry, I happened to look to my right and caught a glimpse of a familiar face, a face I hadn’t seen in a very long time. As I looked closer, I realized who it was! It was him, all grown up, handsome, brown-skinned, with natural green eyes and a well-toned body. He was headed in my direction.

That quick spin on the bar stool and an excited, ” Hey, long time, no see!” with a smile I’m told lights up a room, flowed easily out of my mouth. He stopped; we talked and had a few drinks together. He was equally happy to see me as well. During the beginning of our relationship, I learned he had always thought I was pretty, but again, he was younger than me.

Ironically, that Saturday night, I also learned that he had just be released from jail and would be placed on an ankle bracelet the following Monday. That night began a six- year long relationship, four of which he spent in prison, serving two separate two-year sentences.

During his last prison sentence, my world truly fell apart. I remember getting the call no parent wants to receive, telling me that my child was in a car accident, and that he died. There are no words to describe that feeling, a feeling that I wish no mother or anyone has to feel. My twin boy and I made our way to the hospital’s ER department, where I confirmed the unimaginable truth that lay in front of me: my son, lifeless and so young. He had always been so handsome, and even in death, his good looks remained.

My baby, how could this be? The pain of that moment still haunts me. I felt so helpless, fearing that my child needed me in that terrible moment and I wasn’t there to hold him, to comfort him, and to tell him it was going to be okay, even if it wasn’t. The pain knowing he was alone without me is an internal pain I continue to bear.

In a tragic and heartbreaking twist of fate, both my boyfriend and my ex-husband– my son’s father — were both in prison at the time. I was left alone to navigate a grief so profound it felt impossible.

I tried to keep the relationship going, making the painful visit to the prison. I went there to be loved although that’s not what I got at all. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to, it was because you were only allowed to hug and kiss at the beginning of your visit, and again at the end of the visit. The physical and emotional distance was too much. The visits became an added source of pain. A place where my grief felt even worse. I realized I was pouring into an empty cup, trying to give comfort when all I needed was to receive it. It was all too much.

The decision to abandon the relationship was surprisingly not difficult at all. Honestly, I think I may have only visited one time after my son passed away. The loss of my child really changed how I saw the world. It gave me a strength that I never knew I had. I was slapped in the face with a reality I would never wish on anyone. The cliche, “Life is short, one minute you’re here and the next you’re gone,” could have literally driven me insane. My heart was shattered. The only reason I dragged myself out of the bed in the morning was to be present for my twins. I still needed to be present for them, although, I didn’t do a very good job as the grief swallowed me up.

During the slow, lonely process of my grief, I was able to find a path forward. About a year and a half later, I met my husband number two. The man who would be my husband had been there, watching me navigate the most difficult period of my life. He entered into my grief, not as a perfect new love, but as the beginning of a new chapter. I had no idea what challenges lay ahead, or how much strength I would still have to find.

How did a love that began in grief unfold? Find out what happened in my next blog post.