The Man I Grew to Love

Part 1: The Distraction, Not the Dream

After losing my child, my whole world was turned upside down. Nothing made sense to me, not even going to the mailbox. I even moved into a new apartment, and the reality that he would never walk through that door was heartbreaking. I would leave some of his things around the house, like a pair of his sneakers or his jacket, just so I could see a glimpse of him. All I knew was that I had two other children, my twins, who still needed me, but my grief was so overwhelming that it was hard to be present for them. My mind was flooded with the reality of a life without my firstborn.

My job was a bit of a distraction, keeping me occupied for at least 8 hours, and my coworkers were incredibly supportive. My manager even sent me home on days when it got too hard, and my coworkers donated their own PTO to me since I was a new employee still within my 90-day probation period. They even came to the funeral. I was beyond grateful.

In the midst of this consuming grief, I had the love and support of my family and friends, who did a good job of occupying me. My friends also sprang into action and raised money to help cover funeral expenses, and the outpouring of love I received from my hometown left me speechless. I even saw familiar faces in the crowd at the funeral–people I had known for a long time but hadn’t physically seen in ages. A moment I’ll never forget.

It was through a mutual friend at the time that I met my second husband and, in the midst of a life in transition, we started out as friends, with me giving him relationship advice, which later turned into more.

One day, I was in a college class, annoyed with the guy that I was seeing, realizing that he was a liar. When he called, I was short and snappy. When he asked what was wrong, I didn’t really want to get into it, so he insisted on taking me out to dinner as a repayment for all the time and advice I had given him. I accepted, and we had a really nice time. From that moment, a relationship took root and quickly turned into a marriage. He made it known that he didn’t want to play house with me—he wanted me to be his wife. It felt like a lifeline in the middle of a storm, a way to be rescued from the endless darkness of my grief. But what I didn’t know then was that the distraction had become my new reality, and the foundation we were building was on broken ground.